Wednesday, July 08, 2009

Labor Story

I'm still in the hospital, we are getting discharged tomorrow. And I'm so ready to go home. I haven't been in my own house since we got home from the fireworks on the 4th, slept for 2 hours, and my water broke. Which reminds me to tell you the labor story. My water broke at 330am on Sunday morning. I called the doctor, she said since I was dialated at a 1 a few days prior, take my time, shower, eat breakfast, and then come in. We were there in an hour and we truly did take our time. I had contractions right away, they hurt a lot, but I was breathing through them and focusing and I knew I was going to have this baby the natural way, no epidural! By the time we got through triage and into our labor and delivery room, the contractions were 2 mintues apart and had me almost on my knees in tears and screaming with pain. That was about 630am. So I asked for an epidural, and I got one within the hour. That meant that I had to labor in bed though, no hottub or showers. I was bummed, but at the same time RELIEVED that the worst pain I had ever felt in my life wasn't happening. So I labored through the "easy" contractions and as the day progressed, I labored through the painful ones, ones that felt nearly as bad as the contractions I had before the epidural. I was continously dialating, but very slowly. By 2pm, my OB mentioned the word c-section and I very promptly told her that wasn't an option, that I was going to vaginally deliver this baby, I could be patient and take the contractions as they came, I was prepared to be in labor for as long as it took. By 10pm, after major pain even with the epidural, I was dialated between an 8 and 9 and I was feeling the pressure "in your bottom" that I had been told was the pressure that meant pushing was close! The nurse told me it would be about an hour before I could start pushing. I knew I could hang in there, especially with the end in sight! I got that extra burst of energy despite being completely exhausted and I felt like I was rejuvinated with the nurse's comments of pushing soon. Then the doctor came in and changed all my positive thinking. I admit that I was super tired and worn, I admit that I was in pain even with the epi, but I was not going to give up or give in, and when the doctor said I had been in labor too long and that she strongly recommends a c-section, I completely lost it. I have never been so upset in my whole life, and even thinking about it now, I get upset all over again. She said it was my choice, but I truly felt like I didn't have one. I swore up and down and screamed that I hadn't gone almost 2 weeks past my due date and labored for 20 hours to get this close and then be told that a c-section was needed. The baby was not in distress and neither was I. Both of us were continually monitored on the screens all day, so they knew we were both fine. I threw a fit and was left alone with my mom and Kenny to cry it out. Kenny was sick of seeing me in pain and wanted me to have the c-section, he couldn't take it anymore and wanted it to be over. I was crushed. I didn't want to have a major surgery, especially in that situation, and that's what I got. I have never cried harder in my life as they prepped me for surgery. I was shaking and couldn't stop the weeping. I was resentful towards the doctor and scared shitless of being sliced open after having seen c-sections and hearing my friends talk about the healing process and how painful it was. I have to honestly say that that was the lowest feeling I have ever experienced in my life during those moments. Kenny kept reminding me that we would have our baby in a few minutes and it would all be over, all the stresses of being overdue on my body would be gone, the pain of labor and contractions would be gone. I knew that was true, but I was still not thinking clearly......pain killers and major surgery will do that to you! So I kissed my mom and they wheeled my balling body into the OR, a place I NEVER want to see again. I cried through the whole surgery, even with Kenny right there by my side. Then came the baby, what the goal was all day, to have our son in our arms. I heard his teeny little cry before they lifted him out of my stomach at 12:35am. Then all of a sudden the doctor was holding his little body up so we could see the first glimpse of our baby, at last. Kenny was in shock and awe, he was SO HAPPY. I was happy that the baby was out, but still focused on the fact that I was cut open and 45 minutes from being put back together. Kenny took pictures of the baby and I cried, from happiness of the baby, exhaustion, anxiety, and still anger of the surgery. I remember every single second of the c-section, even when I try not to remember. In recovery I saw Kenny and my mom and the baby, who was wide awake, in his bassinet next to me. I just kept looking at him and crying and I was still shaking from the drugs from surgery. I got to feed Carson right away, which felt strange and wonderful all at the same time. It hadn't set in yet that he was really our baby. After a long time in recovery, my mom went home and it was just Kenny and I. I remember getting sick a few times, and then they wheeled us to the mother/baby unit. We had barely slept in 2 days, plus I wasn't able to breastfeed yet, so the baby went to the nursery and I think we fell asleep from exhaustion around 6am Monday morning. I woke up first around 8am, still groggy and very swollen and just feeling wierd. Kenny woke up a little while later and I have never seen him so happy. He started talking about what an awesome experience it was to see Carson for the first time and how he never could have imagined how it would feel, but it was the best feeling in the world. It was amazing to hear him babble on about watching his son being born, and then he told me how worried and scared he was watching me in labor and surgery, and how proud he was of me for going through it all and how THANKFUL he was that I did it for our baby. What a moment that was. And then he told me that before our parents arrived he wanted to get me into a wheel chair and outside into the sunshine because I needed to get out of the hospital setting for a moment, which of course he was right! So he took me (after the nurses put me in the chair and got me the IV pole and all that stuff) and we went outside to the courtyard in the sun. I will never forget that as long as I live. We just kept saying over and over again how awesome it was that Carson was here and even though he didn't get here the way we had hoped, it didn't matter because he was healthy and I was too. It was one of those moments in life that make you forget about all the bad stuff and really just take it all in. Then our parents started to arrive to meet the baby (my mom had already met him when he was born) and I got some more doses of pain killers so I was blurry the rest of the day. Kenny stayed in the hospital with me until yesterday and he went home to get the house ready and grocery shop and get some work done before we come home Thursday. Carson is perfect. He is cute and sweet and smells good and I absolutly get it when people say you fall in love instantly. You really do! I still have lots of bad feelings about having the c-section, and even though it was probably the right decision, it was not an easy moment to get through and thinking about it, I get upset all over again. But it brought Carson into this world safely and he wasn't in distress and just needed to get here, so it was the right thing to do, and for that, I would do it all over again! My mom emailed me my baby compare it to Carson's baby picture....see any resemblance??? Look at the chins!


Lori said...

I seriously have tears in my eyes...and Kevin says I have to stop reading this! ha!
That is amazing and scary at the same time (especially for us inexperienced folks!)
Keep the baby pics coming!!
Enjoy going home to your own bed and try to get some rest...Kenny sounds like a great Dad already!!

Tasha said...

I have tears too!!!!
Love at first sight is an amaxing thing. I love hearing you describe all the love you have for your baby. Its undescribelable isn't it. Its amazing!
I know how you feel about the c section. When I had to have one with Ben I was dissapointed and cried too. I was shaky and sick and mad and all the emotions you explained. I still look back on it and I am angry over the whole thing. I do try to remind myslef that Ben is here safetly, but time heals all wounds. Hang in there and as SOOOOOOONNNNNNNN as you are ready me and the kids are SO there to hug and cuddle that beautiful little guy. I love you and I am so proud of you mommy. If you need anything. CALL PLEASE. I love to feel needed!

Amy Herdegen said...

He is so so precious! I also had tears in my eyes as I was reading that. You have your baby now and thats all that matters! Labor never goes how you want it to go. I hope I get to come and see you soon.....I know how exhausting the first couple of weeks can be so I will let you get settled before i bombard you. Love ya!

PS...He looks just like you!


Krystyn said...

Awwww...he's so cute.

I'm sorry you didn't get the birth you wanted..that is tough, but I'm so glad you are both safe and healthy!

Can't wait to watch little Carson grow up.

Bethany said...

Oh Lindsey you made me ball my eyes out! That was a beautiful real life story, thank you for sharing in detail what you went through. I can't wait to become a mommy :) Give Carson a kiss from his Aunt Bethy!

Anonymous said...

Forgive this Strangers comment.

congratulations on your new son, he's beautiful.

I'm sorry that you were pressured into a c-section when you were so darn close to delivering vaginally...from someone who works towards the prevention of unnecessary cesareans, it seems your Dr. wanted to section you not that you necessarily "needed" the c-section. I'm sorry for that. If you find you need support healing from the c-section check out it has a forum with a lot of women who have similar c-section stories and will understand.

RoozGal said...

Okay, it's official. You've made all of us cry. Welcome to motherhood, Miss Lindsey! It is wonderful and frustrating and confusing and invigorating...and so much more, so worth it! It's okay to be upset about the C-section, but try to stay focused one what REALLY matters -- that beautiful, healthy baby boy! Having lost my first two babies, I can honestly say that the C-section would have been a welcome delivery for me with the first two! Keep a view of the whole picture, okay? And allow yourself time to cry!! You'll be an emotional roller coaster for a while now...and might I just say you'll NEVER have a worry-free day again! ha Congratulations to the whole Lindsay family!!!!