The Other Side

I'm going back to work on Monday. Not prepared mentally or physically (LONG days with 1st/2nd graders!!!) to work again not to mention facing the fact of not being with Carson all day. But the fact that I have to face is that I AM going to work and that's just all there is to it. So, who is going to be with my baby?? Grandma O, Grandma L, and we hired a nanny. She will be here 2 days a week for 6 hours.


I used to BE the nanny. When I was in high school I babysat for extra money and in college I did too. Then after I graduated I was a substitute teacher and a nanny for a while. I loved it. The baby I took care of was Carson's age right now, and it was the perfect job for me. Well now I'm on the other side of things, I'm HIRING the nanny. It's such a strange feeling, telling someone how to prepare bottles (she actually already knows because she is extremely experienced with kids/babies) but I told her anyway because it made me feel better! I'm super grateful that my mom and my MIL are also going to be watching Carson on other days when I'm at work and Kenny is downstairs in his office working. That's another thing that I'm thankful for...the fact that Kenny is going to be working at home while our moms and the nanny are here....We really have so much to be thankful for here, and I don't mean to sound whiney or bratty about going back to work. I don't mind working, I would just rather do it from home like my hubby or get to see my baby throughout the day. I would GLADLY trade places with Kenny if I could.

The whole time our nanny was here today listening to me ramble on and on about Carson's day and what his needs are, I know what she was thinking...she was silently rolling her eyes and not really listening to me, just pretending to. She already knows how to take care of babies (as I did at her age) and she could probably figure out where the extra diapers were (as I could have when I was a nanny) and so on. But now, I know why the mom I used to work for spent so much time telling me where things were and explaining baby-related things to me: because she didn't want to leave her baby and go to work and it was her way of keeping one foot in the door when she wasn't there with her baby. It's like this...if I give her instructions, then things will probably get done the way I do them with Carson (and if they don't, no bog deal, but at least let me think they are so I don't feel left out of his happenings every day) and I'll still feel like I'm part of his life when I'm not there.

I know that I'm his momma and that no one can take that away from me. I know that I'm one of millions of moms that has to work outside the house. All this I know. It doesn't change the fact that come Monday morning, when I kiss his cheeks goodbye as he sleeps in his crib, it might just be the hardest thing I've ever had to do. And there is nothing in any baby book that prepares me for being on the other side.